Black Men Feel

Broken. Angry. Confused. Tired. Defeated. Stuck.

My dad & mom’s name in an infinity sign to represent eternal love. In our culture, the widow doesn’t date or remarry which is something I respect and admire. At this point, it’s been 10 years & to my knowledge, my mom still carries this tradition. On the other hand, I think she needs to date & explore happiness in a partner because solitude isn’t healthy for too long.

What happened to my mom?

Why can’t we get along anymore?

Why do we always argue?

Why is it always about money?

Why is she manipulative?

What happened to my rock?

What happened to the one woman I could depend on?

What happened to the woman who journeyed halfway across the world to make a new life for herself & future family?

Is this what happens after the love of your life dies?

You die as well on the inside?

All of your relationships suffer as well?

I took my niece out to the movies this past weekend because I feel guilty for not being more involved with her these past seven years.

She notices more than you think.

“Uncle this is our first time going to the movies together. I’ve been here twice with grandma already”

She asks me questions like why I don’t like going to the big house (our home in PA), or why I like to stay in my room all the time instead of playing with her, dad & grandma.

I don’t have an answer for this.

We saw “Playing with Fire” with John Cena. Hilarious movie but I also teared up. John was an ambitious single man in his late 30s who never had a family of his own or meaningful relationship with a woman and always put work first. Sounds familiar.

Earlier that day I read a post on Humans of NY Instagram about a mother who lost her husband and left her children with her sister for 25 years so she could make money to send home to her children. She’d send money, pay for school but only visit them every two years and she talked about how sad and resentful they were because “everyone else had their mom”.

Stories like that make me wish I had a better relationship with my mom. However, I’d like to believe I’m an understanding individual who gives people more chances than they deserve…

I feel tired…

I haven’t paid rent in over a year because my landlord is trying to get rid of me and my brother from the home we grew up in. Long story super short, I complied with their initial request and they turned around & used that against me. I had to get a lawyer & when he hit me with that $5,000 retainer fee, I. Was. Sick.

I’ve paid more than that by now with little to show for it.

It makes me hate lawyers because of how they can lie & bend the truth which is also an extension of how people can lie & manipulate you for their gain.

It makes me feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

This case has also hurt my relationship with my mother because I feel like I’m fixing something she caused in a way. She also knows how much we might owe however I’m being asked to borrow money she most likely will not pay back & the thought comes “when will this end?"

I prayed about being stronger & independent for so long it feels like I’m being granted what I wished for. A hard life & an opportunity to earn the fruits of my labor.

Maybe I wasn’t specific enough?

Maybe all these circumstances happening in my life right now is not coincidental?

I left my secure 9-5 job to become a trainer 3+ years ago & I’m still here… is that something to be proud of when I feel miserable on the inside?
I practically live in the gym.

This lifestyle is more rewarding than any day I’ve had in a suit.

This lifestyle is also more draining than any job I’ve ever had.

The pros outweigh the cons any day, though.

Because of this job, I’ve learned how to communicate with people better. I’m more concise with instructions & I can read body language very well.

3 years of living outside your comfort zone will transform you in ways you won’t know unless you stay the course.

I’m used to rejections unless it comes from a girl.

Those hurt more because it takes a lot for me to get my feelings involved.

I wonder how different life would be if I forgave someone years ago for a mistake I understand now that young girls make.

I wonder what's wrong with me when I'm not the obvious choice.

I think about my flaws and how bad they must be that I'm not even an option.

I’m the all or nothing type.

I can’t half-care about someone because a job done half-right is a job not done well.

I show girls I’m interested in the same amount of attention I would give if we were in a relationship & that’s my problem.

When you don’t play games, you’re too serious.

When you won't commit, they want to know why & change that.

My love language is Words of Affirmation closely followed by Acts of Service.

I don’t expect what I won’t give back.

Words mean nothing without action behind it.

These days I want to crawl in bed and be alone.

I have that thought that creeps into my head about not being around anymore and it doesn’t make me feel any type of way.

But I feel stuck.

I feel used.

I feel stupid for allowing emotions to overpower logic.

I feel like my joke about there being an equal amount of single people compared to people in relationships is coming true.

To balance things out, there’s people full of love & happiness, & there’s people who spend the holidays alone.

The life you have is comprised of the choices you make or don’t make.

The quicker you take responsibility, the faster you can turn your life around.

Do your future-self a favor & take care of the situations you have control over & accept what you can’t change.