12 Things I Learned In 2023...
The most precious thing you could give someone isn't your heart; it's your time.
One of the most important things you can learn in a relationship is your and your partner's love language – how you and your partner like to give and receive love. I feel most loved through words of affirmation and acts of service. If you don't know this about yourself, you will struggle with communicating your needs to others.
Like most people, I could improve with my first attempt at trying new things. This "new thing" I tried at 33 years old was my first relationship. It was hard enough for me to figure out who I was as a boyfriend and how to fulfill that role. Still, I made it almost impossible due to how much weed I was smoking and my new obsession with Call of Duty. To say I was toxic in the beginning is an understatement. It wasn't fair to her, and I shouldn't have been in a relationship.
You can give your heart to anyone and take them back when you lose feelings. Being on the receiving end of waiting for someone to redevelop feelings for you is a lesson you don't need to learn twice. The time you give someone is something you can't take back, nor should you take for granted. You make time for the things and people that matter to you. I hope you find someone capable of reciprocating your energy so you don't feel drained and defeated.
2. Who you're becoming is more important than who you've been.
You have no idea who you'll become five years from now, but you can influence that outcome today. The last time I was asked what my plan was for the next five years, I gave a bullshit answer, "I don't know. I'm gonna wake up and work." In hindsight, that wasn't an answer, and it didn't give my partner any assurance at the time. Nursing was always a backup plan for me if personal training didn't work. When 2020 happened, I didn't work hard enough to adjust to the times, which showed in my physique and business. I only took myself and my future seriously once I met someone special enough to change my situation.
I expedited becoming a nurse, completing prerequisites, and enrolling in an accelerated nursing program. I'm proud to say that I'm halfway through the accelerated program, on pace to fulfill my promise to someone else. In this lifetime, I've worked in finance twice, retail, sales, bartending, and personal training. Each place gave rise to where I am now, being the stepping stones I didn't know I would need. This goes for people, too. The person you're with now is probably practice for the next person you'll be with and end up with. If you're still a work in progress, the beauty in that struggle is that your story is unfinished, and you are the author. Focus on what's in your control.
3. There are endless opportunities to change your situation every day. You don't have to stay unhappy.
We live in a time where knowledge is at the edge of your fingertips, and if you want to learn something, it's just a Google search away. I love the power of the internet for the good it produces. I'm naturally an introvert and a homebody, so having a tool like social media allows me to communicate still and connect with other people who share my interests.
Whenever I was unhappy with my current situation, it sparked the urge to find something else. I was lucky enough to find a home gym at Structure Personal Fitness because it allowed me to increase my knowledge, work capacity, and income exponentially. I left a 9-5 corporate job to pursue personal training, and it was one of the scariest yet most rewarding risks I've taken until now.
Feeling stuck is another way of saying you don't dare to take the next step and do what you know is right for you. The consequences of staying unhappy for the sake of comfort or for someone else will kill any joy you have left inside of you. Things and people that no longer serve you will only contribute to the sinking ship you refuse to disembark.
4. People show you who they are through actions more than words. Good people don't make you feel small.
Good people can do shitty things the same way shitty people can do good things. The caveat is how long each phase lasts. Many lessons on this list derive from what I learned through a turbulent romantic relationship. What's in a person's heart comes to the light, and what looks good on paper doesn't necessarily pan out. I used to be a person who never forgave or forget. But the older I become, the more I learn that people make mistakes. It's not the mistake that defines you; it's how you show up to rectify those wrongs. People become more of who they are over time, not less.
5. Your first time will suck. Keep going.
It's discouraging to embark on a new journey and have little to show for your efforts. But the ones who found a way to last had to overcome many obstacles. So the question is, are you not good enough, or are you not in the right environment? I could have been a better personal trainer when I first started. If it weren't for meeting the right person at the right time, I would most likely still be stuck behind a computer, dreading my soul-sucking 9-5 job.
My first relationship proved to be more of a learning experience than an actual one. I thought I had found the perfect situation where I could continue following this new "dream" of being a video game streamer and visiting my long-distance girlfriend once a month. However, what I was doing was selfish. I gave up on being a personal trainer and took the easy way out – That life wasn't sustainable. I gave the most important person in my life the least amount of my time and the worst version of myself. It didn't take long for me to turn things around, but it took longer than it should have.
My first semester in nursing school almost resulted in my last semester. I graduated from college in 2010, and 13 years later, I was accepted into an accelerated nursing program. I didn't realize how difficult it was to acclimate back into studying and sitting in class on a daily basis. Luckily, it didn't take me long to adjust. While I feared not passing and becoming single again, I could weather both storms. I crushed the next semester for two reasons – I was used to how much work needed to be done, and I no longer wasted energy arguing about trivial things on a daily basis.
6. You can't speed up the growth process, but you can definitely slow it down or prevent success.
I'm patient when it comes to people and impatient with everything else. The journey can always be sped up if you work hard enough, but sometimes, slowing things down is beneficial. It takes time to get to know people, but no matter how much time you spend with someone, there will always be secrets – and that's okay. The only person you can fully trust is yourself. Then again, we all have temptations, and you're capable of letting yourself down – it's human to fall short sometimes.
It's easy to get caught up in distractions if you don't have discipline, and I develop discipline by relying on my schedule, not my feelings. I like the calming effect smoking has on me because it gets me to disassociate from the world and all the problems inside it. Another distraction I had to reduce was playing video games; they're another form of escapism and don't contribute to earning good grades. The last distraction I held onto for as long as I could was my ex. It took me a long time to realize many relationships don't last, no matter your efforts to find a resolution – let go of that anchor, and eventually, you'll find peace with solitude and absence.
7. Doing everything right doesn't guarantee a good outcome.
If you don't learn the lesson the first time, you're bound to repeat the same mistakes. When it comes to being a personal trainer, don't think you'll have a client forever just because you treat them well. Sometimes, factors outside your control can't be fixed – money being a primary motivator. Regarding nursing school, spending hours each day studying material doesn't mean you'll get an A on an exam. It would help to have time to sleep and decompress so the information can ruminate and stick. Similar to working out, you get stronger when you rest after working through resistance. Regarding relationships, doing the right things and being there for someone will not mean much to the wrong person. Compatibility will take you farther than chemistry.
8. Sometimes, the book you pick up has a catchy title, but that doesn't mean you have to finish reading the book.
I was with someone who went through every stage for almost two years before calling it quits. The most beautiful thing and scariest reality is how you can go from strangers to friends to lovers and back to strangers again, all within a year. Before meeting this woman, I convinced myself I didn't have time for feelings or a relationship, but that was a lie. Relationships are give and take, and I don't think I cared to give 100% of myself to anyone who wasn't paying for my time as a personal trainer.
I spent a long time chasing girls and making no money. That turned around when I became a personal trainer and focused on getting better at my job – I had money and attention from girls but no desire to pursue anything romantically.
I asked myself a question at the time of my first relationship, "Do you want this girl to be just another one or the first one?" There is no gain without risk and no loss without a lesson. One mistake I learned from is establishing a friendship as the foundation because love without stability is like standing on quicksand. The harder you fight, the deeper you sink.
9. Family is created. Strong relationships come through mutual suffering and perseverance.
I met some of my favorite people in the world at nursing school. I found people who have a similar interest and sense of humor. I found people who accepted me as I was, encouraged and motivated me to do better in school, and made me feel wanted and appreciated. "Go where you're celebrated, not tolerated." They were exactly who I needed when losing myself in a relationship. I am the type of person who tries to find the silver lining in every situation and make light of it. If you can find a reason to smile through the bullshit, I think you can make it through most hardships. I remember the first day I woke up single and thought, "How wonderful today is going to be that I don't have to say sorry."
10. Effort is attractive and rewarded.
I ran my first-ever race last year, doing the half marathon. I spent four months running and learning about my body throughout the process. I made time for running, stretching, strength training, working out, finishing my last prerequisites, getting into an accelerated nursing program, working as a personal trainer and online coach, and trying to be there for someone who didn't want me in their life or future. I was juggling too much at once, but I don't know how to quit on things and people that matter to me.
I completed the half-marathon, started nursing school, found a way to work still and make money, and was forced to put myself first again. I don't believe in coincidences. Our paths are already laid out for us, but they depend on our actions. I go for what feels right and work my ass off until the job's done.
11. The answer will always be no if you don't ask.
You can only ask more from someone if they can meet the bare minimum. When you reach that point, I hope you have the courage to ask yourself if you deserve more. And if you have to wonder, you already have the answer. Choose people who choose you, and you'll avoid a lifetime of headaches.
12. Nothing lasts forever. The storm will eventually turn into rainbows, and sunshine will change into rain.
Everything is temporary; some people should be in your life for only a season. I've learned to cherish the moments while you're still experiencing them. I tell people how much they mean to me because you don't know if it'll be your last time together or what people are going through personally. You won't have your mom forever, you have limited time with your new best friends in school, your schedule constantly changes with work, so you don't get to see your clients at the gym consistently, and you won't be a nursing student forever.
I hope you remember how loneliness in a relationship feels so you won't waste your time trying to fit a circle into a square again. I hope you learn from other people's mistakes to avoid the same struggles. Lastly, I hope you find time to pour into yourself the way you're willing to do so for others.
1 Hour
“He doesn’t quit.”
I’m three months into running, and it’s surprising how much I love something I used to hate. With the help of @nikerunning, I do 4-5 guided runs a week. I usually do the talking when training clients, so having a coach in my ear giving me the same type of encouragement and thought-provoking questions has been awesome.
Yesterday’s weather in NYC was atrocious. The rain didn’t stop all day, and it got progressively harder and wetter 😶. I had a decision to make. Do I play it safe and run inside on the treadmill, or do I man up and run outside? Which action would make me proud? What would help me build character?
Within 5 minutes, I stepped into a puddle, and there was no turning back—55 minutes to go. At about the 15-minute mark, @CoachBennett played a rapid-fire question game with me, and one question stood out from the rest that kept me going and re-energized me for the rest of the workout: What is your greatest strength?
I thought back 13 years ago to a conversation I had with @brandonsimmons. I played a lot of pick-up basketball and sometimes with real athletes. He told me someone said something about me, and he didn’t want me to take it the wrong way. “Abel isn’t the best on the court. He’s not the fastest, the strongest, or the smartest, but he doesn’t quit.”
It would’ve been easy to take that as an insult, but I saw it differently. I was recognized as someone who doesn’t quit, and that’s a value and attitude I want to carry throughout life. Life is hard and challenging to see through sometimes, but there’s always a solution hidden in the chaos. “It always seems impossible until it’s done” — Nelson Mandela.
I don’t give up on clients because I know what it feels like to feel defeated and unsupported. I don’t give up on friends because I know what it feels like to feel alone and unwanted. I don’t give up on family because you only get one. I don’t give up on people, but sometimes people give up on me, and that’s life. People come and go, but the memories last.
The point is that you’ll eventually get “there” if you don’t quit. The journey is more enjoyable when you feel supported. I encourage you to find your community and lean on them. Giving up on your pursuits robs you of the potential inside of you, the people who depend on you, and the people you have yet to meet… Keep Going
12 things I learned in 2022…
Work on your weaknesses but don’t lose sight of your strengths.
You can tell others about the things that happened to you, or the things you overcame. Which story would you like to hear about?
Treat others with kindness because you have no idea what someone else is going through. Some people need tough love, others just need love. Know your audience.
You’re never too old to change your path in life. Nothing changes if nothing changes. What you want in life exists and it is your responsibility to find it or create it.
Pleasure and happiness are not the same thing. Pleasure is temporary, empty, and meaningless. Happiness is timeless, experiential, and meaningful.
Home is where the heart is. Home can be a feeling or found in another person and I hope you can find that place every night before you fall asleep.
Find a therapist so you don’t exhaust your friendships.
Walking is underrated and underutilized. You can do this anywhere, at any time, and with anyone. If you’re feeling stuck, down, or unmotivated, movement creates action.
Once is a mistake, twice is a choice.
Everything you do and think doesn’t need to be shared. Delayed gratification helps build self-control as well as success in other areas of your life.
Put your phone away sometimes and live in the moment. Be where your feet are.
You’re only as boring as you allow yourself to be. Read more, try new things, and write about it.
Work on your weaknesses but don’t lose sight of your strengths.
2022 was the year I resumed therapy, journaling, and meditating. I used to deal with problems in my life in two ways: to work as much as possible and find ways to escape when I wasn't working. I didn’t want time to think about my feelings. The latter became a weakness that gave birth to other habits, turning me into someone I didn’t recognize. Worse than that, it made me someone I wouldn’t even want to be friends with.
From the inside looking out, I was the hero in my journey and everyone in my life played a certain role. It’s convenient to think of yourself in a positive light, but what if it’s at the detriment of others? What if you were the only person who thought about yourself like that? And from the outside looking in, you resemble more of a villain? Someone hard to talk to and someone who puts others down, especially those closest to you.
I wasn’t able to see myself how others saw me because my bad habits skewed my perception of reality. I didn’t start smoking or playing video games until March 2020 happened – which isn’t an excuse to become mean. It took me two years to begin implementing change. I lost myself, a lot of friendships, and first impressions I can never fix. I could go on and on about my weaknesses but you get the gist.
When it comes to strengths, one stands tall and stands out, belief. The ability to believe, have faith, and work towards bettering yourself is powerful. If I didn’t believe I was better than one of my lowest points in life, I wouldn’t have taken the first step to change. I took a deeper look into myself when others said the way I speak makes people feel bad about themselves. If I didn’t believe it was possible to change my career and trajectory, I would still be overweight and stagnant in an industry that wasn’t fulfilling.
2. You can tell others about the things that happened to you, or the things you overcame. Which story would you like to hear about?
Sometimes you become what you hate, and for me, that was being a victim. I always believed I was incapable of allowing life to happen to me and that I was stronger than my environment. Then the pandemic happened and I embarked on a self-destructive path that almost cost me my life. Not to sound hyperbolic, but in January 2022, I had my first personal health life scare. My blood pressure was 150/90, which is stage 2 hypertension, which also meant at any moment, I could drop dead. My heart was working overtime to keep me alive, someone ungrateful for their body.
If the saying “all good things must come to an end” is true, then so do bad things. In 2022: I gave up smoking, reduced playing video games, lost 60 lbs, refocused as a personal trainer, tackled my tax returns, and went back to school. Not bad, right?
3. Treat others with kindness because you have no idea what someone else is going through. Some people need tough love, others just need love. Know your audience.
Like the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you; so what could make doing this difficult? In my experience, ego and being selfish. When you don’t consider that other people might be having a bad day or a tough time, it’s easy to make everything about you. I’m someone who more often than not, has a constant negative inner monologue going on. I spend more time criticizing myself than giving myself grace or acknowledgment of what I’m doing a good job at.
Imagine someone you loved died, you got hit with a huge unexpected charge, or you no longer enjoyed your job, wouldn’t you want someone to be nice to you? Wouldn’t it be helpful to hear something nice from someone else?
4. You’re never too old to change your path in life. Nothing changes if nothing changes. What you want in life exists and it is your responsibility to find it or create it.
No matter where you are in your journey, it's always possible to make a pivot and start moving in a new direction. Life is changing and evolving, and so should you. It's important to remember that nothing changes if nothing changes. If you're not fulfilling your potential, it's up to you to take action and make the changes. The path to your dreams and goals may not be clear, but what's important is to keep moving forward. Take small steps and keep the attitude that what you're searching for exists and it is your responsibility to find it or create it.
I began my real corporate career journey at the age of 26 years old and within 2 years, left that for another career. I kept asking myself “Is this it? There has to be more to life” because the work was mundane, repetitive and soul-sucking. I studied and passed my NASM test to become a certified personal trainer and took a gamble. I turned 28 at the time and decided this was my opportunity to see what I'm made of. That gamble paid off and 6 years later, I’m still doing what I enjoy. I don’t say “love” because I realized that feeling didn’t exist anymore when the pandemic happened. I questioned what I wanted to do with my life because I became burned out and could no longer feel the passion.
My plan B was to go into nursing if personal training didn’t pan out the way I had hoped. I’m fortunate to have a job where I don't need to work full-time and it allows me time to go back to school. I'm excited to be going back to school to get into a new career so I could reach a couple of my life goals. I want to help as many people as possible and to never worry about money.
5. Pleasure and happiness are not the same thing. Pleasure is temporary, empty, and meaningless. Happiness is timeless, experiential, and meaningful.
I used to consider distractions something that made me happy. It's impossible to distract yourself 24/7 or else you’d never do anything meaningful in life. I used to wake up at 430 in the morning and wouldn’t come home till about 10 at night – rest and sleep were about the only things that made me happy. I was “changing the world” one client at a time, one workout at a time, one day at a time but something felt empty inside. I realize now that emptiness was a lack of hobbies. I didn’t have any hobbies or activities outside of work. I worked as much as I could for two reasons: I wanted to be the best personal trainer and if I made myself boring, no one would want to take up my time. That would give me more time to put into my business.
I hung out with friends or my family as little as possible, I didn’t read the news, I did nothing but work. I read articles and anything I could find on social media to learn and teach others a “better” way to live. If work is all you care about and you don’t feel empty when you come home, don’t change a thing. Even if society says you should have “balance”. I thought I found my last career, but certain beliefs change and evolve as you experience new people and new things. It's a good mentality to have if you’re interested in growth. Before I die, I want to say I tried everything I could think of and made unforgettable memories with people I care about.
6. Home is where the heart is. Home can be a feeling or found in another person and I hope you can find that place every night before you fall asleep.
Home is not only a physical place but also an emotion. It’s a feeling of belonging. It’s where you should feel safe and most comfortable to be yourself. I found that place in the gym a long time ago. It doesn’t matter what type of day I’m having or whether I want to work out or not, it helps me become more of who I want to be. The gym is where I learned how far curiosity and discipline can take you if you are consistent and have an imagination. I’ve also met a lot of great human beings in the gym and the quality I find to be most common is a desire to get better.
I could write a book about this next part because of how much it’s affected my life but in the interest of brevity, I got into my first relationship. I didn’t allow myself the space to open up to someone until I was 32 turning 33 years old. I chose this person to be with for many qualities and what stood out the most was how this person made me feel. I felt comfortable to be myself, I felt accepted, I felt joy, and above all, she felt like home to me. No matter where we are in the world, when I’m right next to her, it feels like it’s exactly where I should be.
7. Find a therapist so you don’t exhaust your friendships.
I’m an open book to most people I meet and that’s a great quality to have until you start to drain people with your energy. I can make most stories entertaining but when it comes to complaining, you can only do so much with dirt. That’s how I view complaining, like someone dumping dirt on you. I believe if you have the energy to complain about a situation, you also have the energy to change it. I’d rather spend my time figuring out how to change something I don’t like happening to me. The alternative is being a victim and adding negative energy to someone else’s day.
I found a therapist to work with last summer and it’s been life-changing. You can spill all your feelings onto someone prepared to handle it as well as give you constructive feedback. It’s important to see ourselves the way others do because you’re not always aware of how the things you say affects others. I’ve learned that my intentions aren’t always aligned with my impact and when someone is opening up to me, listen without having a fix or solution ready.
8. Walking is underrated and underutilized.
You can do this anywhere, at any time, and with anyone.
If you’re feeling stuck, down, or unmotivated, movement creates action.
In January 2022, I got a reality check that my blood pressure was 150/90 and I had 3 months to fix it or else I’d have to use blood pressure medication. I researched ways to reduce this number and one of them, to my surprise, was to walk. According to the CDC, you need 150 minutes of low to moderate intensity or 75 minutes of high intensity cardio. I began walking on a treadmill for 20-60 mins a day for an average of 5 days a week. I started this in March and by June, along with eating better and exercising regularly, my blood pressure dropped to 120/67. It’s a moment I’ll never forget and has benefited my life in more ways than one. I was able to breathe easier and my strength training workouts became less strenuous.
9. Once is a mistake, twice is a choice.
Most people think you need to be perfect with your diet and exercise routine and that you're a failure if you slip up. When it comes to your health you’re not a robot. The majority of foods you eat should align with your goal(s) and the same goes for workouts. Your workout routine should improve your health and keep you consistent. If your diet is so strict that you feel miserable and end up giving up after a few days or weeks, that isn’t sustainable. If your workout routine involves too many HIIT workouts, that isn’t sustainable either.
The pandemic was the first time in almost a decade that I let a mistake change my body in a detrimental way. Cheat meals became frequent as well as skipping workouts. I was fortunate enough to have access to a private gym during the first few months where mostly everyone was training from home. But, this is when I developed a poor mindset. I didn’t see the point in keeping up a routine because the world had shut down. I turned myself into someone I didn’t recognize and the unhealthy, toxic traits I didn’t know existed came out. I lost hope, I lost friends, and I lost my sense of purpose for almost two years.
What I’ve learned from going through that phase of my life is it doesn’t matter how much someone else wants you to change if you don’t want it for yourself. Sometimes you need to feel really low and stay there for a while – think of it like a recipe for success. Success isn’t a straight upward trending line. Success has peaks and troughs and you can’t rush either period. I spent years living in a “peak” with my body so it’s only fair that I spend some time in a trough period. The insight I’ve relearned has changed the way I communicate with others, especially when it comes to the meaning of what health looks and feels like. I’m chasing longevity and to help others do the same – think long-term.
10. Everything you do and think doesn’t need to be shared. Delayed gratification helps build self-control as well as success in other areas of your life.
It is important to remember that you don't need to share everything that you do or think with others. In fact, it can be healthy to keep certain aspects of your life private. If you can delay gratification, it can help you build self-control and greater success in other areas of your life. By learning to hold off on short-term pleasure, you can develop the discipline and willpower necessary to achieve your goals. Some people find gratification in talking about things they want to do and never try, be the person who does more than they speak of.
11. Put your phone away sometimes and live in the moment.
Be where your feet are.
One important lesson I learned last year is to put your phone away sometimes and to immerse yourself in the present moment. Being constantly connected to your phone can make it difficult to be present in the here and now. It also prevents you from experiencing the world around you. Whether you're spending time with loved ones, going for a walk, or traveling, it's important to take breaks from technology. The art of being present helps you improve your relationships as well as increase your sense of well-being. You are on a life-long pursuit of happiness and you get closer to that goal when you create more meaningful memories.
12. You’re only as boring as you allow yourself to be.
Read more, try new things, and write about it.
A sedentary lifestyle and lack of new experiences can make life feel dull and uninteresting. But, by making a conscious effort to read more and try new things, you open yourself up to a world of possibilities. Discover new interests and passions and write about them. Reading broadens your perspective, exposes you to new ideas, which helps you become a more well-rounded person. Writing about your experiences can help you process them through reflecting on what you've learned. All these things together can help you to become a more interesting person and to lead a more fulfilling life.
I was hesitant to resume reading the news daily because it’s inundated with click-bait headlines and negativity. But it’s also filled with information that’s interesting and helpful. I was never a person into politics because I didn’t think it affected me but I’ve come to learn that change begins with you and your immediate community. Whether you like it or not, people in government at every level can be someone that represents you and what you care about. It's also possible for that same person to design a world that doesn’t include you or your interests. Knowledge gives you more than power, it gives you opportunity. Take advantage of it.
Rate of Weight Loss
You can’t lose weight because of this fact, among other things, the speed you want the weight to drop off isn’t realistic to the discipline you need to sustain it. Notice I didn’t use motivation here, because being motivated to start this journey isn’t going to be enough for you to be consistent when you stop feeling like it and that fountain of delusion runs dry. Here’s two ways you can approach this weight loss game, fast and furious, or slow and controlled.
When you decide to use a fast approach to losing weight, you have to understand that your life is going to dramatically change in ways that are going to challenge your determination. Let’s define “fast approach” as a 2lb + weight loss goal per week. You’re going to be uncomfortable with how little calories you’re allowed to consume plus the little energy you’re going to have as a result of this.
There’s a quote i recently read I like that goes like this: “you can have anything you want but you can’t have everything you want”
Are you prepared to give up time being social? When you meet up with friends, it usually involves food and drinks. You can say bye to those because it’s not fun being around people who aren’t on a diet when you are and it’s also not fun being around people who are on a diet when you’re not.
Are you willing to track every single calorie? Tracking calories sucks but it’s a necessary evil for knowing how many calories you’re eating to ensure you’re in a calorie deficit. It’s a skill you can learn with practice and something that’ll stay with you for the rest of your life. You don’t need to track calories forever either; the people who promote intuitive eating are the ones who spent time understanding food composition (protein, carbs, fats) and learned there’s no such thing as healthy or unhealthy foods. There are foods that’ll help you reach your goal and foods that’ll hurt your timeline for reaching your goal.
When you decide to use a slow and controlled approach to losing weight, you have to understand that change takes time and if this was easy, nobody in the world would be fat. Nobody brags about having the fastest sex or being able to scarf down food instantly, unless you’re in competition, and the same mindset should be used here too.
When your calorie deficit isn’t steep, you have more freedom in your life to make the process more enjoyable. You can have more “fun foods”, you can go out more without feeling guilty, and you don’t run the risk of sacrificing muscle for a lower number on the scale. When you take your time, you optimize your ability to make life-long habits which will prevent you from regaining weight after you’ve stopped dieting.
The more realistic you are about your goals and approach, the more likely you are to be successful with transforming your body. But if your mindset isn’t starting in a good place, your journey is going to be short-lived. Dieting isn’t for the faint of heart and it doesn’t take rocket science to figure out a weight loss plan.
What will separate you from those who succeed versus those who don’t is having a clearly defined “why” and a willingness to accept failure as a lesson for going forward. You’re going to encounter obstacles that will test you and my hope for you is you’re the person who adjusts their speed instead of calling it quits before you reach the finish line.
“The man who loves walking will walk further than the man who loves the destination”
A Good Day of Eating
Most people I coach are looking to lose weight and usually want the fastest methods to do so. This mindset is what’s holding you back from getting the body of your dreams, or at least, the body of someone else you admire and want to look like.
Your goal is to lose weight and the number one principle of losing weight is being in a calorie deficit. There’s many methods you can choose from to lose weight but the simple principle is this, consume less calories than you burn in a day, every day, for some time. This doesn’t mean you have to be perfect with eating and drinking, but you can’t have a salad once in a while and be mad at your lack of results.
The foods you eat contain macronutrients and micronutrients. Simply put, macronutrients give us energy because they contain calories, and micronutrients make us feel good and help our body and cells function properly.
You and I have two different bodies in the way they respond to people’s criticism differently, move in a given day, and prefer food. I don’t let what others say about my body affect me because fortunately, I’ve gone through my own journey with losing 60+ lbs and found acceptance and understanding that my body is forever changing because my life is forever changing. If you don’t love who you are now, nothing will change when you get abs besides you having abs.
Before this pandemic hit the world, I was moving all day as a personal trainer.
From coaching on the floor, to putting weights back, to cleaning up, to working out, to traveling back and forth from home, I was burning a lot of calories just moving. My life now is completely different to where I sit most of the day like I used to with my old desk job. What’s important to note with the difference in moving is how little calories I burn because I’m confined to home (most days). If you move less, you have to eat less because you’re not using all that energy like before.
The last part is what you’re here for, food preferences. A good day of eating is subjective, so is healthy versus unhealthy so let’s define what I mean. A good day of eating means the foods you choose to eat and what you drink aligns with your goal of losing weight and looking good. Whether you think Domino's Pizza is healthy or unhealthy, if I have that everyday, it's going to be hard for me to lose weight, therefore, Domino's isn't a smart thing to have every single day. Can I have Domino's once in a while? Yes. Whether you think rice, chicken, and broccoli is healthy or unhealthy, if I have that everyday, it might be easier for me to lose weight, if I don’t have huge portions, but if I get bored of eating that everyday, am I going to binge and reverse the progress I made? Most likely.
I stick to a list of lean protein sources, carbohydrates, and fats convenient to have/make, have/make consistently, and above all, I enjoy.
Lean protein sources: egg whites, eggs*, chicken breast, lean ground turkey*, lean ground beef*, fat-free greek yogurt, salmon*, and protein powder. (* means they have some tag-along fat so it’s not as lean as the rest on this list).
Carbohydrates: blueberries, bananas, oats, rice, bread, potatoes, and sour patch kids.
Fats: olive oil, swiss/mozzarella/vegan cheese, and beef bacon.
That’s pretty much it most of the time. When I cheat on my diet, and stray away from these foods, I’m doing so knowing that it’s not healthy in comparison. However, if I have Shake Shack once or twice a week, and that helps me stay the course, then it can be considered a good day of eating because it’s what I needed psychologically, not biologically.
Strict eating becomes boring.
Meal plans become boring.
Any style of eating that doesn’t allow creativity or fun or flexibility won’t last.
You’re not a robot, you’re a human being with taste preferences based on your culture, your upbringing, and what’s available to you.
Now, with that list I have above, I separate them into two different categories: Rest Day & Training Day.
This concept of rest & training days comes from the method of “Tracking Macros”. In short, on training days, you’ll eat more carbs and less fats while having protein relatively high to fuel performance and recovery. On rest days, you’ll eat less carbs, more fats while having protein relatively higher to add variety in food selection.
(Note: The lower you go in calories, the higher your protein intake should be in order to reduce or prevent loss of muscle mass. Basically, you don’t want to sacrifice muscle when losing weight because it’s not the weight you’re necessarily chasing, it’s looking good at a lower weight)
On training days, I usually have Protein Oats which is oatmeal with almond or cashew milk and a scoop of whey protein before I workout. After my workout, I’m having a protein shake and within an hour of that will be a solid-meal. Rice, chicken breast, and some type of vegetable (i like to stick to 3 veggies: spinach, broccoli & asparagus) which I’ll either cook at home or get from chipotle. My snack is usually a protein bar or greek yogurt with blueberries.
On rest days, I usually have an egg/egg white sandwich with cheese and bacon or an egg/egg white omelette with potatoes. My snacks are a protein shake and protein bar (or two protein shakes). My other meal is potatoes, and lean ground turkey or ground beef with veggies.
That’s pretty much it for the meals I have when I’m consistent. I don't consider myself a foodie, because that's just an excuse to eat like an asshole (without care or awareness). I eat for convenience that gets me to my goal in a sustainable way to where I can enjoy life and not become obsessed in a way that will make me spiral down a negative and lonely path.
If you don’t know where to start or want help starting your own journey, please send me an email to abel@aymhigher.com and I’ll be more than happy to assist you.
Eat Slowly
The enjoyment you have from eating food doesn’t make you a foodie.
If the gratification you get from food leads to a dissatisfaction from the way you look, then it may be time to change the way you eat and think about eating.
Comfort foods are like a drug that temporarily shift your focus from the problems you’re trying to run away from into an addiction that will cause more short & long term problems.
Weight gain isn’t the problem, it’s a symptom.
Whether you’re unhappy with your job, career path, significant other, family or friends, the fact remains that eating because you’re stressed or anxious is not going to solve the symptoms.
If good habits follow good habits, the same is true about bad habits.
Food can make us FEEL better or worse.
Are you aware of the foods that have a positive effect on your stomach and mood?
What about the foods that make you feel sluggish or cause an upset stomach?
Ideally, you’re going to eat when you’re hungry and stop when you’re full.
So why do you eat when you’re bored and stop when you feel pregnant?
This is a question I’ve asked myself numerous times.
I’ve also found that when you ask silly questions, your brain gives you a silly answer.
When you have nothing better to do, instead of eating, ask yourself what’s something you enjoy doing that doesn’t add calories? You can build on this and think about cooking a meal that has less calories and still tastes good.
In the same context, how can you stop eating past full if your fullness cues aren’t working?
Eat Slowly
Put your utensils/food down and pause for a moment after each bite.
Easy?
Eat Slowly Without Distractions
On top of eating slowly, put your phone away/turn off the TV.
Easy?
Eat Very Slowly, Without Distractions, and with Full Presence and Attention
Notice your food’s taste, texture, and smell.
Savor each bite like you’re doing an expensive wine tasting.
Pause after each bite and notice the thoughts and feelings attached.
If you need help with deciding which foods you’re currently eating that help or hurt you, send me an email & let’s figure it out together.
Black Men Feel
Broken. Angry. Confused. Tired. Defeated. Stuck.
My dad & mom’s name in an infinity sign to represent eternal love. In our culture, the widow doesn’t date or remarry which is something I respect and admire. At this point, it’s been 10 years & to my knowledge, my mom still carries this tradition. On the other hand, I think she needs to date & explore happiness in a partner because solitude isn’t healthy for too long.
What happened to my mom?
Why can’t we get along anymore?
Why do we always argue?
Why is it always about money?
Why is she manipulative?
What happened to my rock?
What happened to the one woman I could depend on?
What happened to the woman who journeyed halfway across the world to make a new life for herself & future family?
Is this what happens after the love of your life dies?
You die as well on the inside?
All of your relationships suffer as well?
I took my niece out to the movies this past weekend because I feel guilty for not being more involved with her these past seven years.
She notices more than you think.
“Uncle this is our first time going to the movies together. I’ve been here twice with grandma already”
She asks me questions like why I don’t like going to the big house (our home in PA), or why I like to stay in my room all the time instead of playing with her, dad & grandma.
I don’t have an answer for this.
We saw “Playing with Fire” with John Cena. Hilarious movie but I also teared up. John was an ambitious single man in his late 30s who never had a family of his own or meaningful relationship with a woman and always put work first. Sounds familiar.
Earlier that day I read a post on Humans of NY Instagram about a mother who lost her husband and left her children with her sister for 25 years so she could make money to send home to her children. She’d send money, pay for school but only visit them every two years and she talked about how sad and resentful they were because “everyone else had their mom”.
Stories like that make me wish I had a better relationship with my mom. However, I’d like to believe I’m an understanding individual who gives people more chances than they deserve…
I feel tired…
I haven’t paid rent in over a year because my landlord is trying to get rid of me and my brother from the home we grew up in. Long story super short, I complied with their initial request and they turned around & used that against me. I had to get a lawyer & when he hit me with that $5,000 retainer fee, I. Was. Sick.
I’ve paid more than that by now with little to show for it.
It makes me hate lawyers because of how they can lie & bend the truth which is also an extension of how people can lie & manipulate you for their gain.
It makes me feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.
This case has also hurt my relationship with my mother because I feel like I’m fixing something she caused in a way. She also knows how much we might owe however I’m being asked to borrow money she most likely will not pay back & the thought comes “when will this end?"
I prayed about being stronger & independent for so long it feels like I’m being granted what I wished for. A hard life & an opportunity to earn the fruits of my labor.
Maybe I wasn’t specific enough?
Maybe all these circumstances happening in my life right now is not coincidental?
I left my secure 9-5 job to become a trainer 3+ years ago & I’m still here… is that something to be proud of when I feel miserable on the inside?
I practically live in the gym.
This lifestyle is more rewarding than any day I’ve had in a suit.
This lifestyle is also more draining than any job I’ve ever had.
The pros outweigh the cons any day, though.
Because of this job, I’ve learned how to communicate with people better. I’m more concise with instructions & I can read body language very well.
3 years of living outside your comfort zone will transform you in ways you won’t know unless you stay the course.
I’m used to rejections unless it comes from a girl.
Those hurt more because it takes a lot for me to get my feelings involved.
I wonder how different life would be if I forgave someone years ago for a mistake I understand now that young girls make.
I wonder what's wrong with me when I'm not the obvious choice.
I think about my flaws and how bad they must be that I'm not even an option.
I’m the all or nothing type.
I can’t half-care about someone because a job done half-right is a job not done well.
I show girls I’m interested in the same amount of attention I would give if we were in a relationship & that’s my problem.
When you don’t play games, you’re too serious.
When you won't commit, they want to know why & change that.
My love language is Words of Affirmation closely followed by Acts of Service.
I don’t expect what I won’t give back.
Words mean nothing without action behind it.
These days I want to crawl in bed and be alone.
I have that thought that creeps into my head about not being around anymore and it doesn’t make me feel any type of way.
But I feel stuck.
I feel used.
I feel stupid for allowing emotions to overpower logic.
I feel like my joke about there being an equal amount of single people compared to people in relationships is coming true.
To balance things out, there’s people full of love & happiness, & there’s people who spend the holidays alone.
The life you have is comprised of the choices you make or don’t make.
The quicker you take responsibility, the faster you can turn your life around.
Do your future-self a favor & take care of the situations you have control over & accept what you can’t change.
Vlog 075: Responsibility & Forgiveness
This video is to help anyone in their fat loss journey understand the concept of responsibility & forgiveness. The way you look is a reflection of your thoughts and self-esteem. If you think high of yourself, your habits reflect that & the same goes for thinking low of yourself. Good habits follow good habits. If you continue to leave a problem unattended, it doesn't get better, it gets significantly worse. My goal with this video to bring awareness to a reality you're suppressing and taking action to fix it. Forgive yourself for not being perfect and making mistakes. Being human means you're going to fail more times than you can count but it also means you have the ability to overcome. Be the one who figures out the solution vs the one who admits defeat.
Depression & Being A Personal Trainer
A note I voice wrote in my Evernote App when it happened…
I think I am finally back to operating normally. What I mean by that is I had an episode last week. I’ve never been clinically diagnosed with depression but what I felt last week was the reminder that I need to treat myself better. I go through phases of ups and downs like everyone does but my downs make me not want to come into work, talk to anyone at all, or even leave the bed. I couldn’t fake being positive, I didn’t care for my #gymmornings, I honestly didn’t care to exist at all.
The difference I feel today is the complete opposite. Sleep deprivation amplifies bad to worse and for me I’m no good to anyone when I’m getting 4 to 5 hours of sleep a night. Catching up on Sundays sleeping like 12 hrs is no way to live. Be careful what you pride yourself in because that means this is how you define yourself and how other people see you. Abel works hard, he’s always at the gym, he’s always training, he’s always positive, how does he do it?
The answer is simple.
I know what low feels like. I know what lonely feels like. I know what it feels like to not have money to buy food. I know what rejection feels like. I know what losing a parent feels like. I know what it feels like to not be there for the only parent you have left. I know what it feels like to be a disappointment to someone. I know what it feels like wishing things would get better for years…
I never want to feel those feelings again so I bust my ass to make as much money as I can but at what cost?
I also know that these feelings come and go. It’s the natural ebb and flow of life. I know that where you’re at now is preparing you for what’s to come. I know that today it’s raining but tomorrow will be the sunshine. We just have to wait out the storm and know that the rainbow is on its way.
Here’s a video to supplement my written feelings…
Full Body Workout + The Successful Dieter's Mindset
Welcome,
The full body workout mentioned in this video is going to have a total of 8 exercises:
A: Barbell Back Squat
3 sets x 5 reps w/3 min rest break between sets.
Superset: 3 sets x 5 reps each with a 1-2 min rest break between sets
B1: Dumbbell Chest Press
B2: Kettlebell Prone Row w/pause
C: Barbell Romanian Deadlift 3 sets x 8-10 reps w/1 min break
Superset: 3 sets x 8-10 reps/side w/1 min break
D1: Dumbbell Shoulder Press
D2: Cable Lat Pulldowns (underhand grip)
Arms Finisher:
Dumbbell Bicep Curls 1 set x 10 reps
Dumbbell Tricep Kickbacks 1 set x 10 reps
The second part of this video is about the mindset it takes to be successful with a diet.
It’s not easy to give up the foods you enjoy but it’s necessary to control the portions of everything you eat in order to lose weight & ultimately body fat.
The difference I see in people who succeed in weight loss versus those who don’t is patience. Everyone wants results but very few people are willing to do the work it takes. Losing weight is a result, changing your habits is what makes the results appear. Someone who isn’t patient will take every shortcut in the book and become frustrated when the progress they expected to happen in a few days or weeks doesn’t happen. How does one become a millionaire? By working hard, smart, and giving it time. The result you're looking for is planted in the work through the modification of your daily routine.
The body you have right now is the result of eating intuitively, not working out consistently, and spending too much time with people aren't aligned with your own goals. Successful people don't hang out with unsuccessful people in the same way that most people who are fit don't hang out with people who are out of shape. You'll be surprised at how quickly your life turns around when you change the people in circle. We're four months into 2019, how much of you have accomplished from your New Year's resolution list? If you have things still uncrossed, what's one thing in your day you can change right now that's going to get you closer to crossing off that particular goal?
Action Steps You Can Take Now
Start tracking you calories for weight-loss today! Learn how here
Lose weight without a diet. Learn how here
Use Intermittent Fasting to lose weight. Learn how here
Hit your Goal Body Weight in protein every day. Find your protein number here
Strength Train 2-3 times a week. Have 1 Day of cardio if you want. Don’t have a routine? Send me an email & I’ll give you a FREE 4 week program here: abel@aymhigher.com with the subject “4 Week AYM Higher Program”
How To Lose Weight Without A Diet
What would change about your life if you lost weight?
More confidence? More happiness? More sex?
Are you looking for the fastest way to lose weight or the best way?
We want the body we see on the internet only by doing 7-minute abs or a 3 week keto-diet because that’s what is promised to us by “fitness professionals” as achievable.
Anyone with a high social following has a lot of responsibility & for the majority of “influencers”, they are paid on how much they can sell, not how accurate their products are. They want to sell you something that is a quick fix because they have a quota to hit versus someone who takes the time to educate you on a long term sustainable weight loss process.
The fastest way to lose weight is built upon motivation.
The best way to lose weight is sustained through discipline.
This article is going to outline 3 principles to losing weight, they are:
Calorie Deficit
High Protein Intake
Strength Training
Calorie Deficit
A calorie deficit means you’re eating below your maintenance level in calories. Maintenance level is the amount of calories it would take for you to remain the same weight, anything below that is a deficit. There’s two ways you can create a calorie deficit, decreasing input of calories consumed or increasing output of calories burned. How big a deficit you should be in varies based on how aggressive do you want to take it. Someone who is overweight with a high body fat percentage can have a more aggressive calorie deficit compared to someone who weighs less. Why? Because speed is the one thing people manipulate and speed is the reason why most people quit their weight-loss journey. If you’re not overweight, an aggressive diet (more than 25% deficit) is too fast of a drop that it shocks your body & brain. There is such a thing as too few calories & if you eat too few, your body’s ability to function properly will be impaired. Your body is going to think “starvation mode” & your metabolism will shut off. Your body will spare muscle during this phase & hold onto fat because fat protects your organs for survival. Also, with setting too large of a calorie deficit, you get very hungry very fast & can’t maintain that low calorie intake for too long before you binge eat & gain all the weight you lost plus more. Nutrition is 80% of the change required to lose weight, Activity (workouts + non-workout movement) is 20%. Keep this in mind.
How Much Should My Deficit Be?
It depends on how much you want to lose & how fast do you wanna get there. There’s 3,500 calories in 1 lb. If you created a 500 calorie deficit & did that consistently for 7 days (500 x 7 = 3,500), you’ve just lost 1 lb. For example, I weigh 200 lbs, if my maintenance level is 2,500 calories & I only consume 2,000 calories/day (a 500 calorie deficit), I would be on pace to lose 1 lb by the end of the week. If you wanted to lose 2 lbs/week, you’d create a 1,000 calorie deficit & do that consistently for 7 days. With this information, there’s two types of people, one who sees 1 lb/week as doable, & one that sees 1 lb/week as not enough progress. But if you created a 500 calorie deficit & did that for 52 weeks, you’ve just lost 52 lbs. Still not enough progress? Just a reminder, there’s no finish line & you don’t get extra points for getting there the fastest.
How To Calculate A Calorie Deficit?
First you need to know what your BMR is. I’m gonna save you the trouble of explaining how many methods I’ve gone through over the years. I like using the Katch McArdle Formula because it uses lean mass instead of body weight in its BMR equation. Why is that important? Because the amount of body fat one has influences how big a deficit that person will be in. Remember earlier, If you have more weight/body fat to lose, you can set your diet more aggressively versus someone who doesn’t have as much to lose. Instead of trying to figure out the complicated computations you’d have to do in order to get a close-to-accurate deficit, download Mike’s Macros & it will change your relationship with food & your life forever. Another simple way of calculating calories came from my friend Jordan Syatt, multiply your goal weight by 10, 11 or 12. 10 is aggressive, 12 is moderate, 11 is in between.
For example, I weigh 200 lbs, my goal weight is 190 lbs so my calculations would be:
190 x 10 = 1,900 cals (aggressive)
190 x 11 = 2,090 cals (happy place)
190 x 12 = 2,280 cals (moderate)
Do Diets work?
Yes. If you google any type of meal plan for weight-loss, they all work, they’re not magic. The #1 factor that will help you lose weight is counting calories. Also, creating a deficit through nutrition is much easier than creating it through exercise. If you ate an apple every day for 30 days, its calories wouldn’t change. However, if you ran a mile a day for 30 days, you would burn more calories on day 1 vs day 30 because your body isn’t conditioned for it; but, as time goes on, your body adapts to the stress of running and you perform it more efficiently, burning less calories on day 30.
High Protein Intake
Now that we have a better understanding of what you need to focus on when setting up your calorie deficit, next priority is protein. More protein is going to help you feel sexy & strong, here’s why:
Boosts Metabolism
Reduces Appetite
Changes Several Weight-Regulating Hormones
How?
Your brain has many functions, one of it is hunger control. Our brain processes information all day, & it changes after consuming food. We have satiety (appetite reducing) hormones & hunger hormones. The more protein you eat, the less hungry you become. Out of all three macronutrients, protein, carbs, & fats, protein is the one macro that takes the most amount of calories to burn through digestion & metabolism. What does this mean? There’s this thing called TEF (Thermic Effect of Food), & protein has the highest TEF ranging between 20-30%. Let’s say for example, you had a meal that contained 100 calories of protein, 20-30 of those calories are going to be burned through digestion. Metabolism is the process of converting the food we digested into the fuel/energy we need to live. A high protein diet helps us achieve that. Protein helps build & maintain muscle mass, maintaining muscle mass burns more calories at rest than maintaining fat mass does, therefore, by increasing protein intake & building our muscles, we’re boosting our metabolism.
How Much Protein Do You Need?
This is tricky because the best answer for you is “it depends”. The Dietary Reference Intake is only 46 & 56 grams for women & men, respectively. That’s insane but then again, this is the minimum amount to prevent deficiency. What we’re interested in is building muscle & losing fat & for that matter, let’s talk numbers. Men & women process protein differently meaning, men have a slight advantage when it comes to consuming protein (I realized this from working with clients, I don’t have a scientific explanation for it). How much protein you need is based on preference. Some people can eat a lot, some can’t. It’s also harder if you’re vegetarian/vegan. The easiest way to get more protein in your diet is protein shakes so if you’re not at least getting one, one a day is going to make a big difference in your physique over time.
Aim for your goal body weight in grams of protein/day & go from there. For example, my goal body weight is 190 lbs so at the minimum, I’m aiming for 190 grams of protein every day. Keep in mind, the lower your calories go, the higher your protein intake should be. The reasoning here is protein is going to help build or retain as much muscle as you can, the more muscle you have, the less body fat you have as well, & the more calories you burn at rest. The biggest issue with being in a calorie deficit is losing muscle along with weight and the reason why we don’t want to lose much muscle mass is to avoid the “skinny fat” look. Your goal isn’t just to lose weight, it’s to lose weight & look sexy naked. You will avoid “skinny fat” with developed muscles.
Strength Training
"How important is strength training for weight-loss?"
"If I only did cardio, is that good enough to lose weight?"
The truth is you can lose weight doing both.
What’s going to get you there the fastest?
A combination of both with a focus on lifting supplemented with cardio.
If you had to choose? Strength training > cardio.
Strength training 2-3x/week with the right amount of intensity is what you should aim for. What people don’t understand about working out with weights is the calories you burn is not confined to just your time in the gym. You’re burning calories after the gym while your body is recovering, about 24-48 hours. Strength training builds muscles, which in turn boosts you metabolism, & muscle burns more calories at rest than fat does. The benefits of strength training is not limited to body composition. The stronger you become, the better you look, the more confidence you gain, the happier you feel & the better you treat people. Strength training is what led me here. Years of depression & insecurity about how I looked was diminished when I saw the results of consistency. I’ve been blessed & fortunate to help others in their weight-loss journey through paying attention to their own nutrition & working out 2-3 times a week.
Cardio can be supplemented 2-3x/week with varying intensities. HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training) cardio can be performed 1-2x/week, one example is sprints performed for 30 seconds with 60 seconds of rest with multiple sets. There’s a different type of cardio you can do called LISS (Low Intensity Steady State). LISS is cardio performed at a low intensity meaning your heart rate isn’t working hard. An example of LISS would be walking on the treadmill at an incline & speed that’s not too challenging (5% incline, 2.5 speed). What I love about this type of cardio is it’s a form of active recovery so for people that “need to do something everyday”, this is a great option. It’s an easy way to burn calories & recover from workouts faster.
While most people choose cardio over strength training for weight-loss, what I want you to get from this article is that the progress you want to see is not going to happen overnight. Ads you see about fat-burning pills, new diets, “fat burning workouts” are designed to prey on the weak-minded individuals who are impatient & looking for a quick solution. If you’ve tried to lose weight before & didn’t succeed, it’s not your fault. To the uninformed, everything looks like it could work but the truth is, changing your body, which took you months or years to get into this shape is not going to be solved in days or weeks. You’ll win this game if you have patience, if you can be consistent, & not quit every time you “fail”. You can’t fail if you keep going. You’re going to have many setbacks because life isn’t perfect, but the people I’ve seen become a success story, are the people who never gave up.
Action Steps You Can Take Now
Start tracking you calories for weight-loss today! Learn how here
Hit your Goal Body Weight in protein every day. Find your protein number here
Strength Train 2-3 times a week. Have 1 Day of cardio if you want. Don’t have a routine? Send me an email & I’ll give you a FREE 4 week program here: abel@aymhigher.com with the subject “4 Week AYM Higher Program”
Alone For The Holidays
“You’re always in the gym”
I left home at the age of 13. I was lucky enough to receive an academic scholarship through ABC (A Better Chance). It was at a time when I was become rebellious & hated rules. I needed structure.
When I arrived at the ABC house in Swarthmore, PA, it was a culture shock. I moved from the inner city into the suburbs outside philly & it was nothing like I expected it to be. I wasn’t adventurous but I was always up for a challenge (& to get away from home).
Growing up, my dad became sick & it got progressively worse year after year until May 2009. My mom took on more responsibility than she wanted or was prepared for & my brother was doing whatever he wanted.
When we were young, my parents didn’t want me in the streets so they bought me every video game I wanted if I did well in school. Growing up, I couldn’t wait to get home from school, speed through homework & play video games with my brothers for hours on end.
But when I got to Swarthmore, video games for hours until bed wasn’t allowed. It was school, extra curricular activities (for me was football then track), dinner with everyone, 2 hours of study hall minimum then you had an hour ish to get ready for bed then school the next day.
When it came to the weekends, what I was deprived of all week was made up with Madden & Halo. I was a beast. I was also an introvert, shy, & horrible with making friends or talking to girls.
I came home for the holidays & the summer. Home meant taking care of my sick dad, being around my stressed mom & seeing my brother who was amazing at basketball, girls & had a ton of friends. So what did I do? You prolly guessed it. Video games alone. In the summer I’d play basketball with my brother but I wasn’t very good. I was big & loved playing defense so I was a good pick up. I didn’t want the ball unless it was to make an assist.
I’m getting off topic. Why am I posting this?
Because I had no confidence in myself growing up. I stepped into the gym when I was young for vain reasons. I wanted the body that girls gawked over, a star athlete, & to be popular. I basically wanted attention because I wasn’t getting enough of it anywhere else.
I step into the weight room now because I know what hours of sacrifice & discipline will result in. A strong body & mind. The holidays are still a reminder that even when you’re celebrating, there’s people who are suffering with no end in sight. So… If you had the opportunity to spend it with your family, cherish that.
Heavy Is The Head Who Wears The Crown
There’s people in this world who honestly have no friends or family left… then there’s people like me.
I have a Mom, Brother & Niece. I have plenty of friends that I can call or text everyday w/o any limitations.
However, This was me on Thanksgiving Day 2018.
I just checked my photos app from a year ago & also… no picture of food, family or friends.
I like to rely on the descriptions “introvert” & “homebody” as my reasons aka excuses for wanting to be alone a majority of the time & excluding myself from get togethers.
What this technique has brought me is distance vs the things in life we enjoy but can’t buy, love.
If you’re feeling sorry for me at this point, don’t.
I believe every adult is more than capable of choosing his/her fate.
You can’t have your cake & eat it too.
You can’t have the space for quiet as well as the presence of love.
You can't be selfish with other people's time when it's convenient for you.
A day that's created for busy people to connect with the people that they love, I chose to spend it doing the "important thing" that I value.
How did I get here?
I chose myself again and again to the point where I didn't make time for others.
You can't tell someone that you miss them, you have to show them.
You can't tell someone they're important to you, you have to show them.
November 30, 2016, I made a decision that being in an office all day wasn't the best thing for me.
I jumped in without thinking. I took a leap of faith.
I refused to be surrounded with people who were draining me of my energy.
I'm not someone that likes to complain when I know I can control the outcome.
Being 30 years old, I don't feel that much different than when I was 21.
What makes me feel physically good is the decision that I made over a decade ago to start working out and six years ago to change my nutrition.
My mom couldn't cook for me anymore because I refused to eat her food.
I couldn't hang out with my brother as much because I was too picky to eats chips and burgers every day.
I couldn't hang out with my friends because I didn't have the money to afford drinks or eat out multiple times a week.
I didn't want to let family or culture dictate the way did I lived.
When you choose to live life on your terms, it's going to come with a lot of lonely days, it's going to come with a lot of frustration, it's going to come with the days that test your will.
Why would any sane person choose to diet and workout when most of their friends & family will not participate.
Why would you want to put so much stress on your plate, when most of the people that love you will let you down?
Heavy Is The Head Who Wears The Crown
Leave a comment below on how you handle this?