Alone For The Holidays

“You’re always in the gym”

I left home at the age of 13. I was lucky enough to receive an academic scholarship through ABC (A Better Chance). It was at a time when I was become rebellious & hated rules. I needed structure.

When I arrived at the ABC house in Swarthmore, PA, it was a culture shock. I moved from the inner city into the suburbs outside philly & it was nothing like I expected it to be. I wasn’t adventurous but I was always up for a challenge (& to get away from home).

Growing up, my dad became sick & it got progressively worse year after year until May 2009. My mom took on more responsibility than she wanted or was prepared for & my brother was doing whatever he wanted.

When we were young, my parents didn’t want me in the streets so they bought me every video game I wanted if I did well in school. Growing up, I couldn’t wait to get home from school, speed through homework & play video games with my brothers for hours on end.

But when I got to Swarthmore, video games for hours until bed wasn’t allowed. It was school, extra curricular activities (for me was football then track), dinner with everyone, 2 hours of study hall minimum then you had an hour ish to get ready for bed then school the next day.

When it came to the weekends, what I was deprived of all week was made up with Madden & Halo. I was a beast. I was also an introvert, shy, & horrible with making friends or talking to girls.

I came home for the holidays & the summer. Home meant taking care of my sick dad, being around my stressed mom & seeing my brother who was amazing at basketball, girls & had a ton of friends. So what did I do? You prolly guessed it. Video games alone. In the summer I’d play basketball with my brother but I wasn’t very good. I was big & loved playing defense so I was a good pick up. I didn’t want the ball unless it was to make an assist.

I’m getting off topic. Why am I posting this?

Because I had no confidence in myself growing up. I stepped into the gym when I was young for vain reasons. I wanted the body that girls gawked over, a star athlete, & to be popular. I basically wanted attention because I wasn’t getting enough of it anywhere else.

I step into the weight room now because I know what hours of sacrifice & discipline will result in. A strong body & mind. The holidays are still a reminder that even when you’re celebrating, there’s people who are suffering with no end in sight. So… If you had the opportunity to spend it with your family, cherish that.

Heavy Is The Head Who Wears The Crown

There’s people in this world who honestly have no friends or family left… then there’s people like me.

I have a Mom, Brother & Niece. I have plenty of friends that I can call or text everyday w/o any limitations.

However, This was me on Thanksgiving Day 2018.

I just checked my photos app from a year ago & also… no picture of food, family or friends.

I like to rely on the descriptions “introvert” & “homebody” as my reasons aka excuses for wanting to be alone a majority of the time & excluding myself from get togethers.

What this technique has brought me is distance vs the things in life we enjoy but can’t buy, love.

If you’re feeling sorry for me at this point, don’t.

I believe every adult is more than capable of choosing his/her fate.

You can’t have your cake & eat it too.

You can’t have the space for quiet as well as the presence of love.

You can't be selfish with other people's time when it's convenient for you.

A day that's created for busy people to connect with the people that they love, I chose to spend it doing the "important thing" that I value.

How did I get here?

I chose myself again and again to the point where I didn't make time for others.

You can't tell someone that you miss them, you have to show them.

You can't tell someone they're important to you, you have to show them.

November 30, 2016, I made a decision that being in an office all day wasn't the best thing for me.

I jumped in without thinking. I took a leap of faith.

I refused to be surrounded with people who were draining me of my energy.

I'm not someone that likes to complain when I know I can control the outcome.

Being 30 years old, I don't feel that much different than when I was 21.

What makes me feel physically good is the decision that I made over a decade ago to start working out and six years ago to change my nutrition.

My mom couldn't cook for me anymore because I refused to eat her food.

I couldn't hang out with my brother as much because I was too picky to eats chips and burgers every day.

I couldn't hang out with my friends because I didn't have the money to afford drinks or eat out multiple times a week.

I didn't want to let family or culture dictate the way did I lived.

When you choose to live life on your terms, it's going to come with a lot of lonely days, it's going to come with a lot of frustration, it's going to come with the days that test your will.

Why would any sane person choose to diet and workout when most of their friends & family will not participate.

Why would you want to put so much stress on your plate, when most of the people that love you will let you down?

Heavy Is The Head Who Wears The Crown

Leave a comment below on how you handle this?