2019: Year Of Offense
I was 24 years old.
I just had a second operation on my chest. I was “diagnosed” with gynecomastia. Some people call them "large male breasts", others call them "Bitch Tits", either way, it was something I struggled with my entire childhood & was going to take over my adult life…
I had this same operation a year prior. Long story short, we decided to take a risk and have a no-scar-surgery that would eliminate this problem that became a part of my identity. It didn’t work and I suffered another year of insecurity because every time I looked in the mirror, I saw two reasons why I wasn’t a man, I wasn’t attractive, I wasn’t good enough…
The first tattoo I got was to cover my scars…
Two years of diet & training. The first time I looked in the mirror shocked at what I saw…
I was 25 years old.
What started out as another night out with my best friend, ended up being the night I met the girl of my dreams, or so I thought. We got into an argument because I took the side of the girl that he was dating at the time. I was always a third wheel, something I've grown accustomed to being, again, I was getting closer to the body that I wanted but still miles away from the confidence I needed. My best friend left me to go do a DJ gig, my phone was on 3%, if felt like my world was coming to an end. I relied on Austin for my social life. I’m an introvert & a homebody by nature. I was also broke as shit so I told myself I was the lucky one that he even wanted to be friends with me & take me places. The only thing that was on my mind was getting to him so I could apologize. Despite having a few drinks in my system, I was able to locate him and we immediately had a conversation. Next thing I know, I get a tap on my shoulder followed by the question: "are you QuoteAbel?”. It was from the girl that I was in love with through Instagram.
Eight months later, on and off dating, the main thing that I feared from day one finally happened. So afraid to lose something I work so hard at making last, I was blind sided with "we need to talk”. It wasn’t the closure conversation that saves you years of frustration & suicidal-depression, it was the type of conversation that fuels insecurity & kills any type of dignity you had. It was the second & last time I gave everything I had to one woman. Despite my valiant efforts, I wasn’t assertive, I wasn’t a man, I wasn’t good enough…
Hollywood Millz
Angela
I was 28 years old.
I was two years into my corporate job, I was making good money for the first time in my life, I was also a soulless zombie. My prior years of creativity were dead. I didn’t care about music, I didn’t care about poetry, I didn’t care about anything besides working, working out & making more money. 6 months prior, I finally decided to study for my personal training certification. I couldn’t last one more second at that job but wasn’t assertive or man enough to leave. The people around me were negative, the commute was always crowded, the gym was always packed, I was living for the weekends.
August 2016, after 6 months of spending all my free time studying, I passed the NASM CPT test. FUCKING ECSTATIC! I spent the next month training a few friends for cheap just to get experience & money in. September 2016, I spent my birthday in Dominican Republic. I could get used to this. Work 9-5 & train people afterwards until I had enough clients/money to leave that soul-sucking job. It’s funny whenever you think you have a plan of how things will go, the universe likes to throw a wrench in there to show you who’s the real boss. I came back from DR & we had a meeting (something that never happens unless it’s bad news). Long story short, no one in that department had a job anymore & we had two months to figure out what to do next. I stayed on for the transition period & after two months, I was offered another position in the company or, take my severance & look for something else. I just turned 28 years old. I didn’t have any real responsibilities. I didn’t have a girlfriend or a child. This was it for me. This was my chance to see what I was made of. It was my time to see if the life I wanted to live was possible. No one was going to baby me anymore. How great do you want to be? How bad do you want it? Are you good enough?
Collateral Analyst. After hours
Puerto Plata, DR
I’m 30 years old.
I’m at my 3rd personal training job.
It took me almost two years to feel comfortable in this profession.
Two years of failing, doubting myself, & grinding.
What I’ve learned is the harder you work, the faster the results come.
What’s overwhelming at the beginning, becomes routine after a few months.
If you do right by people, help out as many people as you can for free, experience & character grows exponentially.
When you focus on becoming a better version of yourself daily, instead of comparing yourself to others, that momentum lands you new opportunities.
If you live in your truth, no one can own you.
OVER DELIVER EVERY TIME!
Consistency > Perfection
Discipline > Motivation
Waiting for closure is like holding your breath, it feels like you’re dying the longer time passes.
If you give up, you’ll never reach your goals.
Which brings us to the title of this blog, Offense. It took me 30 years to realize why I’m not where I want to be yet. I was waiting for someone to save me. I was waiting for things to happen. I was waiting for permission, to be told it’s okay for you to try a little harder now, you’re ready for what’s next. The truth is, you’ll never be ready for what’s next until you start now. I thought surgery was going to fix my body image issues, I thought Angela was going to be the last girl I was ever with, I thought that 9-5 was going to be the last job I ever had… There’s a few things I’m certain of, if you don’t like your body, do something about it. If you don’t like your job, do something about it. If you don’t like feeling hopeless, do something about it!
The road to becoming is a long journey that will test your faith, resiliency & strength.
Every “no” is a speed bump, not a dead end.
& If you’re good enough, NO ONE is stopping you... You’re more than capable.
If you want to lose weight, google is your best friend, or hire a coach.
If you want to get further in business, read a shit load of “how to’s”, or hire a mentor.
You have a gift & a story that needs to be shared, to save someone else’s life, to remind them that things they wish for, dream about, cry about is possible with faith & work. Sacrifice something now for something better in the future.
Here’s to a productive & offensive 2019.
Structure Personal Fitness
Heavy Is The Head Who Wears The Crown
There’s people in this world who honestly have no friends or family left… then there’s people like me.
I have a Mom, Brother & Niece. I have plenty of friends that I can call or text everyday w/o any limitations.
However, This was me on Thanksgiving Day 2018.
I just checked my photos app from a year ago & also… no picture of food, family or friends.
I like to rely on the descriptions “introvert” & “homebody” as my reasons aka excuses for wanting to be alone a majority of the time & excluding myself from get togethers.
What this technique has brought me is distance vs the things in life we enjoy but can’t buy, love.
If you’re feeling sorry for me at this point, don’t.
I believe every adult is more than capable of choosing his/her fate.
You can’t have your cake & eat it too.
You can’t have the space for quiet as well as the presence of love.
You can't be selfish with other people's time when it's convenient for you.
A day that's created for busy people to connect with the people that they love, I chose to spend it doing the "important thing" that I value.
How did I get here?
I chose myself again and again to the point where I didn't make time for others.
You can't tell someone that you miss them, you have to show them.
You can't tell someone they're important to you, you have to show them.
November 30, 2016, I made a decision that being in an office all day wasn't the best thing for me.
I jumped in without thinking. I took a leap of faith.
I refused to be surrounded with people who were draining me of my energy.
I'm not someone that likes to complain when I know I can control the outcome.
Being 30 years old, I don't feel that much different than when I was 21.
What makes me feel physically good is the decision that I made over a decade ago to start working out and six years ago to change my nutrition.
My mom couldn't cook for me anymore because I refused to eat her food.
I couldn't hang out with my brother as much because I was too picky to eats chips and burgers every day.
I couldn't hang out with my friends because I didn't have the money to afford drinks or eat out multiple times a week.
I didn't want to let family or culture dictate the way did I lived.
When you choose to live life on your terms, it's going to come with a lot of lonely days, it's going to come with a lot of frustration, it's going to come with the days that test your will.
Why would any sane person choose to diet and workout when most of their friends & family will not participate.
Why would you want to put so much stress on your plate, when most of the people that love you will let you down?
Heavy Is The Head Who Wears The Crown
Leave a comment below on how you handle this?