2019: Year Of Offense
I was 24 years old.
I just had a second operation on my chest. I was “diagnosed” with gynecomastia. Some people call them "large male breasts", others call them "Bitch Tits", either way, it was something I struggled with my entire childhood & was going to take over my adult life…
I had this same operation a year prior. Long story short, we decided to take a risk and have a no-scar-surgery that would eliminate this problem that became a part of my identity. It didn’t work and I suffered another year of insecurity because every time I looked in the mirror, I saw two reasons why I wasn’t a man, I wasn’t attractive, I wasn’t good enough…
The first tattoo I got was to cover my scars…
Two years of diet & training. The first time I looked in the mirror shocked at what I saw…
I was 25 years old.
What started out as another night out with my best friend, ended up being the night I met the girl of my dreams, or so I thought. We got into an argument because I took the side of the girl that he was dating at the time. I was always a third wheel, something I've grown accustomed to being, again, I was getting closer to the body that I wanted but still miles away from the confidence I needed. My best friend left me to go do a DJ gig, my phone was on 3%, if felt like my world was coming to an end. I relied on Austin for my social life. I’m an introvert & a homebody by nature. I was also broke as shit so I told myself I was the lucky one that he even wanted to be friends with me & take me places. The only thing that was on my mind was getting to him so I could apologize. Despite having a few drinks in my system, I was able to locate him and we immediately had a conversation. Next thing I know, I get a tap on my shoulder followed by the question: "are you QuoteAbel?”. It was from the girl that I was in love with through Instagram.
Eight months later, on and off dating, the main thing that I feared from day one finally happened. So afraid to lose something I work so hard at making last, I was blind sided with "we need to talk”. It wasn’t the closure conversation that saves you years of frustration & suicidal-depression, it was the type of conversation that fuels insecurity & kills any type of dignity you had. It was the second & last time I gave everything I had to one woman. Despite my valiant efforts, I wasn’t assertive, I wasn’t a man, I wasn’t good enough…
Hollywood Millz
Angela
I was 28 years old.
I was two years into my corporate job, I was making good money for the first time in my life, I was also a soulless zombie. My prior years of creativity were dead. I didn’t care about music, I didn’t care about poetry, I didn’t care about anything besides working, working out & making more money. 6 months prior, I finally decided to study for my personal training certification. I couldn’t last one more second at that job but wasn’t assertive or man enough to leave. The people around me were negative, the commute was always crowded, the gym was always packed, I was living for the weekends.
August 2016, after 6 months of spending all my free time studying, I passed the NASM CPT test. FUCKING ECSTATIC! I spent the next month training a few friends for cheap just to get experience & money in. September 2016, I spent my birthday in Dominican Republic. I could get used to this. Work 9-5 & train people afterwards until I had enough clients/money to leave that soul-sucking job. It’s funny whenever you think you have a plan of how things will go, the universe likes to throw a wrench in there to show you who’s the real boss. I came back from DR & we had a meeting (something that never happens unless it’s bad news). Long story short, no one in that department had a job anymore & we had two months to figure out what to do next. I stayed on for the transition period & after two months, I was offered another position in the company or, take my severance & look for something else. I just turned 28 years old. I didn’t have any real responsibilities. I didn’t have a girlfriend or a child. This was it for me. This was my chance to see what I was made of. It was my time to see if the life I wanted to live was possible. No one was going to baby me anymore. How great do you want to be? How bad do you want it? Are you good enough?
Collateral Analyst. After hours
Puerto Plata, DR
I’m 30 years old.
I’m at my 3rd personal training job.
It took me almost two years to feel comfortable in this profession.
Two years of failing, doubting myself, & grinding.
What I’ve learned is the harder you work, the faster the results come.
What’s overwhelming at the beginning, becomes routine after a few months.
If you do right by people, help out as many people as you can for free, experience & character grows exponentially.
When you focus on becoming a better version of yourself daily, instead of comparing yourself to others, that momentum lands you new opportunities.
If you live in your truth, no one can own you.
OVER DELIVER EVERY TIME!
Consistency > Perfection
Discipline > Motivation
Waiting for closure is like holding your breath, it feels like you’re dying the longer time passes.
If you give up, you’ll never reach your goals.
Which brings us to the title of this blog, Offense. It took me 30 years to realize why I’m not where I want to be yet. I was waiting for someone to save me. I was waiting for things to happen. I was waiting for permission, to be told it’s okay for you to try a little harder now, you’re ready for what’s next. The truth is, you’ll never be ready for what’s next until you start now. I thought surgery was going to fix my body image issues, I thought Angela was going to be the last girl I was ever with, I thought that 9-5 was going to be the last job I ever had… There’s a few things I’m certain of, if you don’t like your body, do something about it. If you don’t like your job, do something about it. If you don’t like feeling hopeless, do something about it!
The road to becoming is a long journey that will test your faith, resiliency & strength.
Every “no” is a speed bump, not a dead end.
& If you’re good enough, NO ONE is stopping you... You’re more than capable.
If you want to lose weight, google is your best friend, or hire a coach.
If you want to get further in business, read a shit load of “how to’s”, or hire a mentor.
You have a gift & a story that needs to be shared, to save someone else’s life, to remind them that things they wish for, dream about, cry about is possible with faith & work. Sacrifice something now for something better in the future.
Here’s to a productive & offensive 2019.
Structure Personal Fitness
Alone For The Holidays
“You’re always in the gym”
I left home at the age of 13. I was lucky enough to receive an academic scholarship through ABC (A Better Chance). It was at a time when I was become rebellious & hated rules. I needed structure.
When I arrived at the ABC house in Swarthmore, PA, it was a culture shock. I moved from the inner city into the suburbs outside philly & it was nothing like I expected it to be. I wasn’t adventurous but I was always up for a challenge (& to get away from home).
Growing up, my dad became sick & it got progressively worse year after year until May 2009. My mom took on more responsibility than she wanted or was prepared for & my brother was doing whatever he wanted.
When we were young, my parents didn’t want me in the streets so they bought me every video game I wanted if I did well in school. Growing up, I couldn’t wait to get home from school, speed through homework & play video games with my brothers for hours on end.
But when I got to Swarthmore, video games for hours until bed wasn’t allowed. It was school, extra curricular activities (for me was football then track), dinner with everyone, 2 hours of study hall minimum then you had an hour ish to get ready for bed then school the next day.
When it came to the weekends, what I was deprived of all week was made up with Madden & Halo. I was a beast. I was also an introvert, shy, & horrible with making friends or talking to girls.
I came home for the holidays & the summer. Home meant taking care of my sick dad, being around my stressed mom & seeing my brother who was amazing at basketball, girls & had a ton of friends. So what did I do? You prolly guessed it. Video games alone. In the summer I’d play basketball with my brother but I wasn’t very good. I was big & loved playing defense so I was a good pick up. I didn’t want the ball unless it was to make an assist.
I’m getting off topic. Why am I posting this?
Because I had no confidence in myself growing up. I stepped into the gym when I was young for vain reasons. I wanted the body that girls gawked over, a star athlete, & to be popular. I basically wanted attention because I wasn’t getting enough of it anywhere else.
I step into the weight room now because I know what hours of sacrifice & discipline will result in. A strong body & mind. The holidays are still a reminder that even when you’re celebrating, there’s people who are suffering with no end in sight. So… If you had the opportunity to spend it with your family, cherish that.
Defining 30...
I’ve been thinking about “30” for a long time now… I thought I would feel old & useless, instead, I feel rejuvenated. I found a path in life that allows me to put forth my best qualities on display to have a positive impact on others. “Influencer”, not the ones you see on social media that make you question the definition or your own worth, but a real-life influencer is what I’ve been told I am. I wanted to spend this birthday on a beach somewhere away from everyone & everything just to decompress or maybe just flex on the ‘gram. A recent conversation with a good friend reminded me that wasn’t necessary & here’s why:
The word “Grind” was something I only saw my Mom do for years.
I didn’t understand it because I couldn’t feel it.
She never complained about her workload to me.
She allowed me for years to follow my passion for words & try to become an Artist.
Years…
We had our arguments here & there but she wanted me to be happy, that’s the most important thing a parent cares about.
When that didn’t pan out how I planned, I went back to the corporate world & she was proud.
But it didn’t take long for that happiness to fade.
I had income but I wasn’t producing or creating anything to be proud of…
What I did for fun/therapy was workout. That’s pretty much the only thing that consumed my thoughts during my 9-5.
I finally decided if there was ANYTHING in this world I would pour my everything into… it would be this lifestyle.
I left my secure job two years ago, to the dismay of my mom, & ventured into the world of personal training.
What’s funny about that situation is that the “secure” job I had folded because the department was sold to another bank.
Nothing on Earth is secure. You wake up everyday & try to make sense of the chaos in this world.
A few months into training, I saw Gary V on the breakfast club & instantly became a fan.
After watching countless #DailyVee episodes, I found out he had a personal PERSONAL trainer. Mike Vacanti. Not the usual “see me x times/week”. He was full on Gary’s trainer EVERYday EVERYwhere. I was blown away.
Now I had a new idol/person to aspire to be.
I watched Mike’s daily vlogs, read his articles on his website, download his app & started tracking my macros.
Nothing happens by chance/coincidence. You’re meant to be exactly where you are.
Exactly one year ago in early September, I finally met this legend & it changed my life forever.
He got me an opportunity at my current training job @structurepf with another great mentor @coachkevindineen.
A year later, we talk regularly, hangout when our schedules lineup & I made two appearances on his vlog.
"This is just a taste of what the life could be”
I don’t know exactly how to describe this.
I graduated from Bucknell University in 2010.
I thought I was going to take my Economics/Sociology degree & do something in finance for the rest of my life.
That was my plan.
I didn’t get the job I wanted for another 5 years. In that time, I went from whatever job to job just to have something to do.
I explored a path in the music industry that revealed I didn’t really have the passion for it.
My mom watched her son struggle everyday trying to figure out what he wanted to do with his life.
If my dad was around & healthy, I'm sure I would received the tough love I needed to get my shit together.
But he wasn’t around & my mom had too much on her plate. I was selfish.
I was able bodied to do more than her but weak minded.
In that time also, I changed my body drastically & lost 55 lbs in 3 years.
I wanted to be a fitness model because I thought that’s just what happens when your body looks good & you’re strong.
I was told to be a trainer but I told people I wasn’t certified or good enough for that (ha)
I fell in love & got my heart broken twice in that timespan…
I say all that to say this, I learned to be kind & caring from my dad. I learned to work hard & focus from my mom.
This life & lifestyle would have never happened without her.
If it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t be here (literally) or the man I am today.
On my 30th year of life, this feeling I don’t know how to describe is…. I’m Happy.
I’m not lost anymore.
I found something I’m good at & I enjoy doing everyday.
I found a way to connect with other & help people everyday.
I found my way & myself through depression & rejection.
Forever Grateful & Thankful
Love you all.