12 Things I Learned In 2023...
The most precious thing you could give someone isn't your heart; it's your time.
One of the most important things you can learn in a relationship is your and your partner's love language – how you and your partner like to give and receive love. I feel most loved through words of affirmation and acts of service. If you don't know this about yourself, you will struggle with communicating your needs to others.
Like most people, I could improve with my first attempt at trying new things. This "new thing" I tried at 33 years old was my first relationship. It was hard enough for me to figure out who I was as a boyfriend and how to fulfill that role. Still, I made it almost impossible due to how much weed I was smoking and my new obsession with Call of Duty. To say I was toxic in the beginning is an understatement. It wasn't fair to her, and I shouldn't have been in a relationship.
You can give your heart to anyone and take them back when you lose feelings. Being on the receiving end of waiting for someone to redevelop feelings for you is a lesson you don't need to learn twice. The time you give someone is something you can't take back, nor should you take for granted. You make time for the things and people that matter to you. I hope you find someone capable of reciprocating your energy so you don't feel drained and defeated.
2. Who you're becoming is more important than who you've been.
You have no idea who you'll become five years from now, but you can influence that outcome today. The last time I was asked what my plan was for the next five years, I gave a bullshit answer, "I don't know. I'm gonna wake up and work." In hindsight, that wasn't an answer, and it didn't give my partner any assurance at the time. Nursing was always a backup plan for me if personal training didn't work. When 2020 happened, I didn't work hard enough to adjust to the times, which showed in my physique and business. I only took myself and my future seriously once I met someone special enough to change my situation.
I expedited becoming a nurse, completing prerequisites, and enrolling in an accelerated nursing program. I'm proud to say that I'm halfway through the accelerated program, on pace to fulfill my promise to someone else. In this lifetime, I've worked in finance twice, retail, sales, bartending, and personal training. Each place gave rise to where I am now, being the stepping stones I didn't know I would need. This goes for people, too. The person you're with now is probably practice for the next person you'll be with and end up with. If you're still a work in progress, the beauty in that struggle is that your story is unfinished, and you are the author. Focus on what's in your control.
3. There are endless opportunities to change your situation every day. You don't have to stay unhappy.
We live in a time where knowledge is at the edge of your fingertips, and if you want to learn something, it's just a Google search away. I love the power of the internet for the good it produces. I'm naturally an introvert and a homebody, so having a tool like social media allows me to communicate still and connect with other people who share my interests.
Whenever I was unhappy with my current situation, it sparked the urge to find something else. I was lucky enough to find a home gym at Structure Personal Fitness because it allowed me to increase my knowledge, work capacity, and income exponentially. I left a 9-5 corporate job to pursue personal training, and it was one of the scariest yet most rewarding risks I've taken until now.
Feeling stuck is another way of saying you don't dare to take the next step and do what you know is right for you. The consequences of staying unhappy for the sake of comfort or for someone else will kill any joy you have left inside of you. Things and people that no longer serve you will only contribute to the sinking ship you refuse to disembark.
4. People show you who they are through actions more than words. Good people don't make you feel small.
Good people can do shitty things the same way shitty people can do good things. The caveat is how long each phase lasts. Many lessons on this list derive from what I learned through a turbulent romantic relationship. What's in a person's heart comes to the light, and what looks good on paper doesn't necessarily pan out. I used to be a person who never forgave or forget. But the older I become, the more I learn that people make mistakes. It's not the mistake that defines you; it's how you show up to rectify those wrongs. People become more of who they are over time, not less.
5. Your first time will suck. Keep going.
It's discouraging to embark on a new journey and have little to show for your efforts. But the ones who found a way to last had to overcome many obstacles. So the question is, are you not good enough, or are you not in the right environment? I could have been a better personal trainer when I first started. If it weren't for meeting the right person at the right time, I would most likely still be stuck behind a computer, dreading my soul-sucking 9-5 job.
My first relationship proved to be more of a learning experience than an actual one. I thought I had found the perfect situation where I could continue following this new "dream" of being a video game streamer and visiting my long-distance girlfriend once a month. However, what I was doing was selfish. I gave up on being a personal trainer and took the easy way out – That life wasn't sustainable. I gave the most important person in my life the least amount of my time and the worst version of myself. It didn't take long for me to turn things around, but it took longer than it should have.
My first semester in nursing school almost resulted in my last semester. I graduated from college in 2010, and 13 years later, I was accepted into an accelerated nursing program. I didn't realize how difficult it was to acclimate back into studying and sitting in class on a daily basis. Luckily, it didn't take me long to adjust. While I feared not passing and becoming single again, I could weather both storms. I crushed the next semester for two reasons – I was used to how much work needed to be done, and I no longer wasted energy arguing about trivial things on a daily basis.
6. You can't speed up the growth process, but you can definitely slow it down or prevent success.
I'm patient when it comes to people and impatient with everything else. The journey can always be sped up if you work hard enough, but sometimes, slowing things down is beneficial. It takes time to get to know people, but no matter how much time you spend with someone, there will always be secrets – and that's okay. The only person you can fully trust is yourself. Then again, we all have temptations, and you're capable of letting yourself down – it's human to fall short sometimes.
It's easy to get caught up in distractions if you don't have discipline, and I develop discipline by relying on my schedule, not my feelings. I like the calming effect smoking has on me because it gets me to disassociate from the world and all the problems inside it. Another distraction I had to reduce was playing video games; they're another form of escapism and don't contribute to earning good grades. The last distraction I held onto for as long as I could was my ex. It took me a long time to realize many relationships don't last, no matter your efforts to find a resolution – let go of that anchor, and eventually, you'll find peace with solitude and absence.
7. Doing everything right doesn't guarantee a good outcome.
If you don't learn the lesson the first time, you're bound to repeat the same mistakes. When it comes to being a personal trainer, don't think you'll have a client forever just because you treat them well. Sometimes, factors outside your control can't be fixed – money being a primary motivator. Regarding nursing school, spending hours each day studying material doesn't mean you'll get an A on an exam. It would help to have time to sleep and decompress so the information can ruminate and stick. Similar to working out, you get stronger when you rest after working through resistance. Regarding relationships, doing the right things and being there for someone will not mean much to the wrong person. Compatibility will take you farther than chemistry.
8. Sometimes, the book you pick up has a catchy title, but that doesn't mean you have to finish reading the book.
I was with someone who went through every stage for almost two years before calling it quits. The most beautiful thing and scariest reality is how you can go from strangers to friends to lovers and back to strangers again, all within a year. Before meeting this woman, I convinced myself I didn't have time for feelings or a relationship, but that was a lie. Relationships are give and take, and I don't think I cared to give 100% of myself to anyone who wasn't paying for my time as a personal trainer.
I spent a long time chasing girls and making no money. That turned around when I became a personal trainer and focused on getting better at my job – I had money and attention from girls but no desire to pursue anything romantically.
I asked myself a question at the time of my first relationship, "Do you want this girl to be just another one or the first one?" There is no gain without risk and no loss without a lesson. One mistake I learned from is establishing a friendship as the foundation because love without stability is like standing on quicksand. The harder you fight, the deeper you sink.
9. Family is created. Strong relationships come through mutual suffering and perseverance.
I met some of my favorite people in the world at nursing school. I found people who have a similar interest and sense of humor. I found people who accepted me as I was, encouraged and motivated me to do better in school, and made me feel wanted and appreciated. "Go where you're celebrated, not tolerated." They were exactly who I needed when losing myself in a relationship. I am the type of person who tries to find the silver lining in every situation and make light of it. If you can find a reason to smile through the bullshit, I think you can make it through most hardships. I remember the first day I woke up single and thought, "How wonderful today is going to be that I don't have to say sorry."
10. Effort is attractive and rewarded.
I ran my first-ever race last year, doing the half marathon. I spent four months running and learning about my body throughout the process. I made time for running, stretching, strength training, working out, finishing my last prerequisites, getting into an accelerated nursing program, working as a personal trainer and online coach, and trying to be there for someone who didn't want me in their life or future. I was juggling too much at once, but I don't know how to quit on things and people that matter to me.
I completed the half-marathon, started nursing school, found a way to work still and make money, and was forced to put myself first again. I don't believe in coincidences. Our paths are already laid out for us, but they depend on our actions. I go for what feels right and work my ass off until the job's done.
11. The answer will always be no if you don't ask.
You can only ask more from someone if they can meet the bare minimum. When you reach that point, I hope you have the courage to ask yourself if you deserve more. And if you have to wonder, you already have the answer. Choose people who choose you, and you'll avoid a lifetime of headaches.
12. Nothing lasts forever. The storm will eventually turn into rainbows, and sunshine will change into rain.
Everything is temporary; some people should be in your life for only a season. I've learned to cherish the moments while you're still experiencing them. I tell people how much they mean to me because you don't know if it'll be your last time together or what people are going through personally. You won't have your mom forever, you have limited time with your new best friends in school, your schedule constantly changes with work, so you don't get to see your clients at the gym consistently, and you won't be a nursing student forever.
I hope you remember how loneliness in a relationship feels so you won't waste your time trying to fit a circle into a square again. I hope you learn from other people's mistakes to avoid the same struggles. Lastly, I hope you find time to pour into yourself the way you're willing to do so for others.
